10 Simple Steps for Resolving Conflict in Marriage
The best marriage advice I ever received was at a bridal shower, but it applies to men and women alike! You know how it goes, after the bridal shower games, everyone was asked to share a piece of marriage advice with the bride. As we went around the circle giving advice, there really wasn’t anything new that most of us hadn’t heard before. “Keep dating.” “Always Kiss Goodnight.” But then, it came to the bride’s grandma. She paused, thought for a minute, and then simply said, “Just remember, you’re not marrying a jerk.” Everyone laughed at her unexpected answer, but then she explained. “You’re marrying a great guy! A guy you love enough to want to be with forever. So when he does something dumb or that hurts your feelings just remember – you didn’t marry a jerk! Chances are, he didn’t do it on purpose and he had different intentions than you’re assuming. So instead of getting offended, angry, or sad, just stop and find out what they were.” So simple, but such good advice. Whether you got married yesterday or 10 years ago, the advice still applies.
You didn’t marry a jerk! Think back to when you first got married and why you picked your spouse. {Because she was, and is, the girl of your dreams! Because he’s amazing and you know how to pick ’em, right?!} Then remember that the next time a disagreement or conflict arises in your marriage. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. A great partner doesn’t hurt your feelings on purpose. They aren’t trying to make your life harder or disappoint you. Chances are, your spouse is trying just as hard as you are, and you just need a little more communication. So the next time you’re feeling frustrated, hurt, or just not seeing eye-to-eye… Here are 10 Simple Steps to Remember 1. Stop and pause! Before you get angry or say something you may regret – stop yourself! Take a second to breathe and to think. (And, if you’re religious like me, to say a quick prayer.) 2. Instead of starting to talk right away to tell him all the reasons why you’re right and he’s wrong, ask him questions to understand his perspective and reasoning. 3. Listen! Really listen! As Stephen R. Covey says, listen with the intent to understand, not with the intent to reply! In other words, don’t be so busy forming your “rebuttal” in your mind that you don’t hear what your spouse is saying and understand what he’s feeling. 4. When explaining your feelings to your spouse, use “I” statements instead of “You” statements to avoid the blame game. For example, “I feel overworked and exhausted.” Instead of, “You’re not helping around the house.” 5. Avoid using exaggerations and extremes, as well. For example, “You always…” or “I never…” or “Why don’t you ever…” 6. Practice common courtesy. Because we are comfortable with those we are closest to, too often we are the harshest to them. Even though we love them the most, we can hurt them the worst. The words you use are powerful and carry weight, so choose them carefully. 7. Share responsibility for the conflict. The truth is, both of you have valid points and valid feelings, and both of you can always improve. 8. Resolving conflict doesn’t always mean that one person is right and one person is wrong. It doesn’t mean that one person has to “give in” to the other. Instead, it means understanding where the other person is coming from and enlarging your perspective. 9. After you understand how your spouse is feeling and where you’re each coming from, work together to find a solution that works for both of you. Remember, you’re on the same team so neither of you can win unless both of you win. {And sometimes it’s okay to agree to disagree.} 10. End closer together than you started. Conflict in marriage is not a bad thing. When we work and communicate together, it helps us grow stronger and learn more as a couple. Forgive freely and always end with loving words and affection. Need a Recap?! 10 Simple Steps for Resolving Conflict in Marriage
If you liked this post, you’ll love this One Super Easy Marriage Tip! And for even more great marriage advice, check out our 50+ Secrets of a Great Marriage and our Reclaim Your Marriage Program. *** If you want to understand your husband, and men in general, better, you might want to check out The Queen’s Code. We keep hearing wonderful things about how this book has helped women crack the code on men. It’s on our reading list. You can even get the first chapter for free on her site.***
